22, blonde, seeking balance
I’ve had a pretty rough couple of months despite what you might think if you were following me on Facebook or Instagram since those are some carefully curated moments. While the last couple of months I’ve defiantly taken on some pretty kick ass things and managed to pass all of my fourth-semester classes, I’ve been also really struggling to find a balance between self-care and productivity.
I live with BDP and the last few months have consisted of some very extreme highs and lows. Highs so high that I didn’t sleep for three days straight last month, I instead spent three days creating an entire project plan that I will likely never look at again, and lows so low I also spent four full days straight in bed last month crying almost every waking moment. Up until the past few months, my BDP had been quite under control, I had eased back therapy sessions and while things weren’t perfect, there was a balance. Which is where the new issue lays, I can’t seem to get back to that balance. So when you’re struggling with balance why not pick up, pack all of your things into a storage unit and make a 3000km trip home for a few months.
I’ve really spent little time taking care of myself in the recent months, and what I really need vs. things I think I need. My self-care has looked a lot more like buying things and justifying it as a need, having an extra glass of wine because “I deserve it”, and not completing tasks I need to have finished because “I deserve a break”. Self-care can look a lot of ways for a lot of people, but I’ve been convincing myself it looks one way for me when in reality it isn’t care at all. I’ve been using entitlement to ultimately indulge in things that are going to make me feel worse in the long run. So now I’ve learnt some of what self-care doesn’t mean for me, but I have no idea what it does really mean.
Bringing it back to packing up and moving home, I thought that if I was going to find out what I needed in self-care it was best to do it in a space where I felt the most happiness and the space that I felt the most cared for. That space is with my boyfriend, our friends, and our family. I considered packing up and going to a European country, or somewhere else to try and find myself, I’m such a wanderlust, and I was meant to roam I know that for sure, but while my heart is often very happy on the road but it isn’t full without the people that matter the most, so this was where I needed to start.
In a few months, I’ll pack up leave Newfoundland and head back to Toronto. I have a few adventures both work and personal to take on in-between, but for the most part, the next few months are going to be a journey on their own. A journey to take the best care of myself, to find balance, and to learn what self-care really means to me. I’ve finally revamped this blog space so I can document my journey, this is important to me since writing about this is defiantly a form of self-care for me that works, and I hope that by sharing I might encourage even one other person to take the reins in their own care, just say “fuck it” and start doing what’s best for them. I’ll post all of the new things that I am trying, share some of the East Coast beauty and keep you in the loop with all of the exciting work that is also being produced through the madness.